Come out come out wherever you are!

   

Feeding the ducks in Stadpark, Vienna

      I’m playing peek-a-boo with myself and hide and seek with the rest of the world. Now you see me, now you don’t. Since I left Calgary 8 months ago my life has ricocheted between structure and spontaneity more than you could imagine. I should have known not to get too comfortable...for six months I found security working as a kindermädchen for three beautiful children. Wolf and I were pulling our lives together and I had fully integrated into the Viennese climbing community. I was finally feeling at home. Then boom! The bomb exploded. Austria declared war on the pleasant life I had created and despite my every attempt to find a loophole or buy myself some more time.... I had to retreat.

     But if you know me... you know that I always have a backup plan. So alas, with my working contract still pending approval by the local aliens office in Munich, I have time to kill. As I sift through flight dates and question whether or not I belong anywhere at the moment...I find solace here. Inside my little game of hide and seek...and I’m not sure I’m coming out until I’ve found what I’m looking for...

     I love that song “Home is wherever I’m with you”. It speaks to me on such a personal level, because the more I live my life, the more I realize that home isn’t a house or a city, it’s a concept. Especially when you are a foreigner. Home becomes the place where you try to get your S*** together and right now my ‘home’ is in ruins. This little club called ‘residency’ gave me the boot and though I’m happy to turn over a new leaf in Munich, the transition seems impossible at the moment. So going ‘home’ means facing some things that are beyond my control. Things that, if gone awry, I am not quite ready to handle in my hypersensitive state of mind. No papers = no work, no purpose, no future and worst of all...no Wolf.

So that’s part of the reason that I’m here... tackling smaller and more manageable tasks. Getting my S**** together on the tiny Greek island of Kalymnos and knocking through some barriers and brick walls that are more fictional than factual, contrary to the constrains of the Austrian government....That’s right, I’m talking about climbing ;) 

My coach, my student, my partner in crushing! 

     It might seem silly to you, who is reading this. But for me, climbing is the one area in my life that I have control over right now. It’s my only way to crawl out from this world that seems to be falling around me. At least with climbing, I’m the one who is responsible for failing. Unlike Vienna, where all my ambitions, offers and attempts were extinguished by some stupid bureaucratic decisions. They squashed me like I smoosh those pesky mosquitoes every night before bed. So right now my climbing is raw. It is black and white without any blurred lines or borders. It’s real and it is honest. I’m treating every route like an emotional punching bag... an outlet of all my anger, frustrations and unease. It’s a very productive form of therapy actually and I am learning so much about pushing myself. Some of the walls I’ve been pushing against have shattered. Other’s still exist but they are invisible and I can walk through them if I choose to. This makes me wonder whether these barriers and brick walls really exist or if they are simply artificial mental constructs. Here’s what I’ve discovered. I’m capable of doing anything I want. 

     Yeah I’m scared! Correction, I am terrified. I skipped the last clip, I’m chicken winging with jackhammer leg threatening to launch me backwards into 10 meters of air time. I knew I would be scared when I got there. But I went up there anyways...besides there was no time and no possibility to clip with the exploding pressure welling in my forearms. So when I got there... I just had to flat out deal with it. Fear. The most impenetrable barrier in my climbing to date.  

     Digging my nails into two sharp crimps, not strong enough to rock over to the finish slot and too stubborn and scared to fall... I start battling with the clip by my ankles. Praying it will go in. 3 times, I fumble the clip and desperately cling back to the wall. I don’t want to die today. (You have to understand that I literally think I am going to die every time I could take a potential whipper). Then I said a bad word. Actually I screamed it so loud that all my fear echoed throughout the entire island. In all seriousness, I wonder if anxiety induced tourette's syndrome is a thing? Cuz' I definitely have it.   

     

All smiles, Jelisa Dunbar

In the midst of my struggle, I heard people laughing at my shrieks. Now that I think about it, it was probably hysterical to watch. I wasn’t fighting for a move or anything, I was just stuck in stale mate before the chains screaming like a mental patient. Like I might die. I’m not sure I’ve ever fought this hard for something in my life. 

     4th time the clip went in and I, by some miracle, completed the rock over to the slot... still screaming out in horror. When I said take it was like I was on drugs. I don’t think I managed my fear effectively but the point is I faced it and looked it straight in the eyes and then climbed on top of its head. It was the most lifting and freeing feeling. I still wasn’t in control of my fear but for once we were co-existing together instead of it eating me alive. Squashing me like a bug.  

     So it turns out that my biggest hurdle is one of my biggest motivators. Think about it! What if you could turn your hurdles around and feed off them too!? Maybe the barriers that hold you back are invisible? You can choose to walk through them and sit on the other side if you’re willing to get your feet wet. It’s new territory, but it is real. It is honesty. It is black and white. 

So enough hiding...
Come out come out wherever you are! 

Thanks for reading! If you like what you see  #followme on my Facebook page!

Jelisa Dunbar

or instagram  JellyDZ

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