Three years ago, today. I topped my first World Cup Boulder in Munich. Women’s three... It was a dyno to a sloping dish and I held it with utter despair and determination to prove that I could play this game. To prove that I could solve their tricks....and swim like the little fishy I was in a sea of bigger, better fish.
Climbing is full of clicks and epiphanies. It’s also full of silly limits and definitions of what you ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do... Bouldering outside has taught me this through the utter agony of projecting. Having the possible slip through your fingers so many times, and somehow clutching the belief that success is still possible in a sea of failed attempts. But that’s what makes climbing special and so rewarding. Limits and Boundaries keep our sport spicy and fresh, because without them, we’d never surprise ourselves of what are actually capable of.
I didn’t truly believe that I could top a world cup boulder problem three years ago. For some reason, I expected it to be so physically beyond my limit. I expected a boulder like this to be designed for Shauna Coxsey and Alex Puccio. I didn’t believe I was a wold cup climber...because I had never been one. I had no experiences to draw from besides the Tour de Bloc finals I had competed in, and I usually only ever topped 2 of the 4 final boulders at most.
So I built an invisible barrier. And the goal of topping a world cup boulder was bubble wrapped in a cloud of false illusion. I wanted it...but it didn’t seem tangible. It wasn’t until my die hard fingers refused to give way when I latched the dyno on my 5th attempt of women’s 3, that I unlocked a new chapter of my climbing.
Rattikin Boulder Masters, Klosters, 2015 Photo: The Circuit Climbing
When I compare that little fishy to the slightly more seasoned fishy I am today, I can’t help but smile. Yesterday was NOT my day! But I made the decision to compete, regardless that my body felt weak recovering from the flu. Still, I found myself at the top of boulder 1 with ease, playing on the slab and doing reasonably well instead of grating down the wall, and I fell on the last move of boulder 4 on my flash attempt.
W1, Munich WC 2015, Photo:Sytse van Slooten
For a while I was upset. I knew I could have done three of those boulders, and three boulders would have put me in semi’s. Instead...I only topped one. But then I realized...this is the new chapter. Figuring out a competition head, trusting my sequence and actually solving these problems in 5 minutes.
When I compare myself to the little fishy who thought she couldn’t even top a world cup boulder, I have to say that it is pretty damn cool to now believe that I’m capable of topping so many of these problems. I’ve come to accept progress as a slow crawl, to be patient with it and myself. Some days suck and some days are brilliant. But one thing I’ve learned about competitions is that I freaking love them. I have so much fun no matter what. I love the game, the tactics, the stress... I love how the idea of success is shattered in front of my eyes every single time, and that it guts me. I love how it motivates me to push harder, to be better and to learn from all my stupid mistakes.
A World Cup is a rare experience. I have Tonde and Malek to thank for reminding me of that, and encouraging me to compete even though I was ill. Yesterday I had a blast trying to pop as much bubble wrap as I could to unlock my next limit. It’s getting closer..... ;)
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As it turns out, my skin wasn’t quite as thick as I thought...and it’s not just my fingertips that are bleeding through. My spirit is shot, deflating like an abandoned luftballoon that’s begun to wrinkle, fade and sink down miserably into the earth.
Ancient boulders are scattered amongst the forest floor, standing still in time; Pieces of history- each with a name and a story. They are the test pieces of our skills, strengths and determination. The essence of our perseverance. If we don’t crush the boulder, it crushes us. Then we cope...process...(okay and maybe cry a little!) in a cycle called projecting.
Finals, Canadian Boulder Nationals
To set things straight, I am first and foremost a competition climber. That means I get a 5 minute window to perform my best on any given boulder problem. Sometimes I succeed and other times I get the crap kicked out of me. But regardless of my success or failure on that problem, at the end of my five minutes, I have to forget. I am conditioned to let go...and I do. I do not carry any emotions over when I stare into the face of the next bloc.
But in the woods nothing is forgotten. Holds are not stripped down, and walls are not collapsed. To some extent, I’ve had to rewire my brain to accommodate this ‘projecting’ thing. Here, I am not allowed to forget my mistakes. Hiding under layers of squandered strength are the subtleties that shatter performance. Failure’s secrets become the most useful tool for success.Then the real game begins. How long you can stare into the challenges of one bloc and how strong you can stay mentally while it beats you to a pulp? To the best of my knowledge, this is projecting defined.
Something that fascinates me about outdoor bouldering, are the blocs that I become obsessed with. I have absolutely no control over why or when it happens, it’s just sort of like love at first try. Something comes over me, a realization - That, even though I’m blowing off the individual moves on every die hard attempt, I am undoubtedly capable of each and every move.
It’s like I can feel the endorphins kicking in and taste the success before it ever happens. Sometimes I fall in love with King lines, other times...the shittiest bloc in the woods. But when it happens I am hooked. There is nothing I can do and the obsession festers.
My preciouuuusss
Her name is Smeagol. The harder eliminant variation is called Gollum. If it were up to me, I’d reverse the names because my bloc is just as evil and two faced. Many people have asked me why I am so fixated on this one shitty bloc. They tell me I should be trying the more beautiful and classic lines of the forest...that I should better invest my time and effort in 7c’s or even 8a’s.
They are partially right... I probably would climb something a lot harder and more impressive than Smeagol. But the fact that I have blown off the last move ten times infuriates me. And the start move, which requires the perfect amount of weight distributed between three limbs, flings me off when I have the smallest inkling of a swing. Smeagol has one of the most complex and beautiful moves I have ever experienced in my life. A dance of strength and delicacy. I will never be at peace until I conquer this bloc.
Many people have joined me while I project. Even the strong ones peel off the first move on their flash attempt. I try to hide it, but it makes me smile a little. After an hour, people either walk it, or walk away- never having lifted their ass off the ground. Either way, their conclusions are usually the same. Greasy. Shitty. Unimpressive. Small. A waste of skin.
It hurts my feelings, because they can’t see what I see. Because to me, right now, getting to the top of this silly rock matters more than most things in my world. But I guess I’ll just have to deal with it...
Yesterday I nearly threw my shoes across the forest and pulled my hair out. I have now fallen from the last (and easiest) move twelve times. I walked home alone, teary eyes stinging with frustration. It had been my fourth day on, my fingers were bleeding, and my flight to Canada was 48 hours away. I swallowed my pride and threw in the towel. Giving up for now.
I was absolutely gutted. It literally felt like someone punched me in the stomach when I told Wolf about my day.
Fast forward 24 hours.
Charlie & The New Base Line tree arch
It was supposed to be a rest day. I hiked a pad in to support my boys and to spend some time with them before flying. I climbed the warm-up to confirm that my raw tips were in fact still unusable, then spent the rest of the day observing. We hiked up to the New Base Line, and as George projected Voll Gas, I watched as the deteriorating shoes slung from the fallen tree arch dangled in the wind. (If you don’t know the story - Everyone who sends The New Base Line ties their approach shoes on that tree and leaves them there forever.) I wondered how many times those shoes had hiked all the way up here, only to be sent back down, damaged and defeated. I wondered, if at some point, even the strongest climbers felt the way their shoes looked, the way that I felt.
I found consolation in the disintegrating sneakers and sat under them in peace. Feeling understood.
When we hiked down, we passed Smeagol along the way. I slipped my shoes on and sent it first try.
Fast Forward 24 hours
Bloody tips - a reoccurring theme
It’s the second time now that the passenger sitting beside me on the plane has asked to see my hands after learning that I’m a rock climber. Last time, I was returning home after competing in Canadian Boulder Nationals. Five fingertips in total were scabbed over. At least this time it was only two.
As I look down at my bloody fingertips that cry out it protest over the utter pain and agony shed by this ‘process’ called ‘projecting,’ I can’t help but smile...Because they are proof. Of how badly I wanted it, of how hard I was willing to hold on.
So much of this process is about how badly you want it....That ability to never let go and never give up until the taste of success is literally pried from your fingers, over and over again. It’s a freaking emotional bloodbath. But every time you pull onto that boulder, you clutch and guard the possibility of the send tighter than before...until eventually you catch it.
And Ironically, when you do, it doesn’t feel like you were holding on tight at all! When I sent Smeagol- aka, that shitty little boulder that no one liked, it was as if a lead weight lifted off my chest when I remembered what this whole process is about. This feeling right here.
Those few seconds where you catch your breath in sheer bliss as you stand on top of what seemed to be the world’s greatest challenge. That one victorious sigh of relief, conquer and utter content. Then, the moment is gone. It flutters away, but it leaves behind a tiny smile painted across your lips for the rest of the day.
And then...before you know it, your blood thirsty fingers begin to tremble in withdrawal. With the hunger to project something new, and the vicious cycle begins yet again...
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They say when you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually an old lady on my death bed, because I just blinked and all of a sudden it is June 9, 2015... I’m married, I have a career underway, and somehow I’ve ended up in Switzerland for the time being.
The past three months have taught me a great deal about balance. It’s funny, because I’ve always considered myself a) good at slabs, and b) good at multitasking and juggling life’s chaos...But the last three months have knocked me flat on my ass. Obligations and engagements have whizzed by faster than the speed of light and left me teetering on one foot, fighting gravity’s heavy pull.
In terms of slab climbing, balance is a funny thing to watch. Especially here in Magic. Arms stick out and flap like birdy wings as climbers meticulously shuffle their toes in attempt to clutch the perfect yin and yang; The zen state that allows them to draw in one steady breath of such fragile stability before facing the next hurdle. Then their exhale begins to shake.
Behind the climbers are several extravagant carins, balancing in the most bizarre and unthinkable positions. They stand tall and proud, inherently mocking the climbers who are spitting off Grit de Luxe.
After I fell off the tricky mantle a couple of times, I sat down and stared at the sculptures; The river thrashing behind them while they remained still, calm. Intrinsically zen.
Maybe the reason I’m not good at slab climbing anymore is because I forgot how to balance. Not just in terms of climbing, but on the larger scale of things; Life.
I probably sound like some floofy hippie searching for the intricacies of life in the subtle foot placement on Grit de Luxe, but hey...I’m just going to roll with it. Because I’m an English major and because I enjoy symbolism. Because I can and because for me...my subtle foot placement actually depends on so much more than mere accuracy and precision.
I haven’t been putting the amount of hours into training that I had planned to. I didn’t know how to balance planning a wedding, visiting with in-laws while living in a van and fretting about tourist visas, finances, and Canadian immigration procedures. Most the time I wanted to pull my hair out and cry. So when I could climb, it was unfocused. It was a release of pent up frustration and stress as I would launch myself mindlessly between holds. Once I had unleashed enough of my frustration, I would try to collect myself and analyze my movement. I would try to hone my mental craft for the last bit of the session, but I was unable to focus. My confidence was shot and my climbing fell into a huge slump.
The bottom rock on the sculpture bulges way out to the side. It would surely tip over if the other rock wasn’t standing on its head.
I peer closer. There is a tiny pebble wedged underneath, supporting the entire system. Giving up on the climb for a little while, I began to make my own rock art. But my carin was boring, straight and sequential. An unimaginative pyramid with the biggest stone on the bottom and the smallest up top. I sighed, taking another look at the wiggling physics fighting climbers on Grit de Luxe and decided ‘this isn’t what balance looks like...” The next try I did the mantle.
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Human beings are funny creatures. Of course I am speaking quite subjectively when I assume others, like myself, are accustomed to and comforted by routine. I never used to be this way when I would go on short, time specific vacations. I was eager to explore and wanted nothing to do with things that were familiar to me.
But over the past few years my life has been scattered and inconsistent; A never ending adventure. My playful spirit has dampened and I find myself craving comfort. I notice this especially when I am in a new city. For the first couple days, I gravitate to the bakeries that resemble ones I’ve been to before and no matter how good the local coffee is, there’s nothing like a McCafe. A familiar taste amongst unfamiliar surroundings.
Wolf always used to harp on me for this, poking fun at the ‘city girl’ in me. But it wasn’t until a couple days ago, when I passed up his kind offer for a McDonald’s Sunday and suggested the authentic gelato across the street, that I realized I felt comfortable in my surroundings again and was ready to explore.
I haven’t been blogging lately, part of that was stress and part, lack of inspiration. For a while, everything I had been working towards felt hopeless. I panicked and retreated as my world seemed to crumble around me. After a teary Christmas, I pondered flying back to Canada and giving up, but the thing is...no matter how difficult your situation, there’s always a door to walk through. It might not lead directly to your destination, but do we really know where we are going anyway? Why not let destiny carve your destination?
I think when it comes down to it, that’s what life is really about. Walking through the doors that swing open and treading the waters even when they get a little rough. The world has a lot to offer, and if we get too comfortable, we retreat to the ‘known’ and become afraid of change and afraid of uncertainty. If we do that...then what are we really learning about ourselves?
My adventure still hasn’t stopped, if anything it’s about to get a little more rash and wild. I can honestly say that I never had any intention of being where I am and becoming who I am today. A couple years ago I imagined myself as a high school teacher, working comfortably and maybe starting a family of my own....But then, life happened, and I kept saying yes to the opportunities that presented themselves. I have Wolf to thank for that. Now I’m a 25 years old foreigner, hell bent on becoming a legitimate climber, struggling to make ends meet and chasing my dreams like a child.
Sometimes I struggle to find purpose in what I am doing or feel valued. It’s tough being a foreigner...sometimes you just have to mould into the slots assigned to you and say yes. Take everything with not a grain, but a pinch of salt and see it as experience.
“Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.”
Pondering our next moves with my partner in crime in Kalymnos
Enjoying some glühwein and Christmas lights.
Dec 29, 2014: The expiration date of my Schengen tourist visa. Since Austria had denied me a working permit, I had applied for a German working permit before heading off to Kalymnos. I anticipated a 4 week application processing period, but when I returned I learned that they had ‘lost’ my application.
It was a stressful Christmas in Austria, and to add to it, my first christmas away from home. I packed my bags on December 28th and headed to Munich, not knowing if I would be sent back to Canada immediately or if someone would find the kindness to grant me some sort of magic visa that day. I didn’t even know if I would get to say goodbye to Wolf, who was working in Vienna at the time.
Waiting, with others, for the KVR to open at 7am
I headed into the KVR to find out that I had been staying in the Schengen zone illegally without even knowing it. My heart fluttered as I was weaved through different offices and officials, picking up pieces of their German conversations. Eventually, I was sat down in front of a very pleasant young man who asked me to explain my situation and I was granted a ‘short term stay visa,’ which gave me a grace period to get my $*** together. I would have to re-submit my working visa application and start from scratch.
Dec. 31, 2014: I was so happy I could cry. The future became less foggy and I began to see the possibility of building a life here in Munich. I returned back to Vienna to spend New Years Eve with Wolf and celebrated my permission to stay in Europe!
Setting with super cool volumes at Munich west!
Jan 1, 2015: Things were looking up. I was soon to be employed at possibly the most renowned bouldering facility in the world! I had endless terrain to train my little heart out and I met an amazing group of climbers who welcomed me with open arms and unending kindness! I volunteered at Boulderwelt while awaiting my working permission and commuted about once a week back to Vienna to visit Wolf...and to slowly move my belongings, by bus, to Munich.
The amazing competition wall at Stuntwerk, Köln
Jan 10, 2015: I headed to the private opening of Stuntwerk in Köln with the Boulderwelt team. I was lucky enough to chat with Udo Neumann (the person whom I look up to most in the climbing world, athletes included) and climb unique parkour style boulders! It was an impressive event with free beer, food and a killer DJ that made climbers boogie until 5am. Everyone brought a sleeping bag and crashed on the matts until 8am, when the public opening of Stuntwerk began.
A final goodbye to 18 Hainburgerstraße, 33.
Jan 13: 2015: The combination of route setting, testing and training got the best of me. I re-injured my right shoulder and couldn’t climb for 3 weeks. Route setting became especially hard and I had to learn how to drill with my left hand.
At least the snow felt like home!
Feb 2, 2015: Climbing felt hopeless and life felt chaotic. Slowly, I realized just how expensive and impossible a life would be in Munich. I headed back to Vienna for the week to help Wolf move out of our flat and paint the walls white. With heavy hearts we locked up and closed the door on a chapter of our lives forever.
Feb 9, 2015: Naturally, the biggest snowstorm to hit Austria that winter landed on our day of departure.Despite massive train delays and soggy toes, we arrived in Munich in one piece.
Wolf guarding our bags on the U6 train.
Feb 12, 2015: My acceptance of the Head Coaching Position at the Calgary Climbing Center became official, and ironically, so had my working visa. Just when I thought I would be settled, I caught another curve ball. Munich, yet again, will be another temporary home...
I think I’m going to grab a McCafe...
Celebrating my 24th birthday with Sundays in Zurich, Switzerland
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2014 was a year of incredible performances and noteworthy sends across Canada.... So, I've complied ten highlights of Canadian climbing in 2014 that really stood out to me as important and inspirational. Happy reading!
Bonar McCallum post send , photo: Lea Juszkiewics
Calgary Climbing Center’s head coach of the pro team, Bonar McCallum, sends his first 14a, Bone Thief Extension, at The Lookout after endless hours of hard work and determination. Bonar continues to push his limits as a climber and inspire the community through his many achievements and his dedication to the development of the sport. Progressing into his late 40’s, McCallum’s youthful approach to training has awarded him several high points in 2014, including two 13d first ascents. “It is interesting when people use age as an excuse...part of what I'm exploring is how to continue to progress as you get older.” Say’s McCallum, “I'm using myself as a guinea pig, and hopefully if I figure stuff out on myself I'll be able to pass it on to others.”
Bonar’s wealth of knowledge combined with his experience as an elite climber serves as a major benefit to the local Calgary community. If you see his smiling face around the gym or the crag, be sure to say hello!
Sean McColl expands his realm of victory as he participates in American Ninja Warrior as one of the five contestants representing team Europe. McColl secured the gold in stage 4 of the competition, where he campused up the 77 foot gymnast’s rope 0.31 seconds faster than his opponent! And this wasn’t the only close call for McColl that earned him an exciting and action packed victory! When competing at the Adidas Rockstars competition in Stuttgard, McColl tripped mid-mantle on the finals boulder slapping the buzzer with a mere fingertip as he fell! He won the competition by a split second and the crowd went wild. If you missed the action, check out this clip... it’s well worth watching!
Canmore’s Kendra Stritch sets an important record in history as the first North American to take gold at an official UIAA Ice climbing World Cup! Stritch headed into the Bozeman MT Ice Climbing World Cup with a hunch that she could win it. “I like the extra strategy that competition requires,” explains Kendra, “You have one shot at the route...you just have to go for it! There is no consideration of saving energy for your next attempt!”
Bozeman Ice Climbing Cup, Photo: Patho Pix
“Winning,” says Kendra“ has changed the priority I placed on attending world cups this year.” This unstoppable ice cranking chica is forecasted to compete in three upcoming European cups in 2015... and if this weren’t impressive enough, Stritch is working towards establishing a North American ice/mixed youth climbing team and increasing the awareness and funding of the sport.
Severing ties with the competition scene to achieve bigger goals, Marieta Akalski pushes the limits of Canadian female sports climbing. Very few Canadian women have managed to climb 5.14a, but Marieta hasn’t stopped there. She quickly sent Florida, 5.14b in Rodellar a couple of days before her ticket back to Canada. Keep an eye out for this girl...she is full of surprises and spontaneity. Rumor has it she has her eyes on Hueco for the winter and plans to crash Canadian Boulder Nationals!
The Eveleigh brothers (Scott, 17 years, Marc, 19 years) impress us again with the grand opening of ‘Old Goat,’ a new bouldering area near Spray Lakes. In the summer of 2013, the boys established boulders in secret and published a guidebook with Cassie Magyar in September, 2014. Climbs range from v0 - v11 with several open projects. It's worth checking out the guide for next season if you are looking for some quality bouldering in the bow valley!
Vancouver’s Simon Parton, aka, ‘the dark horse,’ covers impressive ground in 2014. Parton flies under the radar because of his humble personality and route-setting wizardry (He’s usually working behind the scenes of competitions instead of participating in them). You might not know it, but Parton flashes V10’s for breakfast and redpoints V13 & V14’s regularly. On August 6th, Parton nearly flashed Amandla, V14 in Rocklands, South Africa. “We got lost on the trail” explains Parton, “by the time I found it, I’d been hiking for almost two hours. I was exhausted and not psyched to climb at all...”
Parton slipped on his shoes and surprised himself when he nearly stuck the crux move on his first attempt. “Something in my head clicked” Parton explains, “that this could not only happen...but it could happen right here and right now!” On his second attempt he stuck the crux move and knew that sending was his only option. “I don’t think I’ve ever tried so hard!” says Parton.
Munich World Champs, Photo: Sebastien Lazure
Thomasina Pidgeon demonstrates hard core dedication to the Boulder World Cup circuit on the women's front. She managed to attended six boulder world cups in 2014, although she had her heart set on more. Thomasina also attended Canadian Nationals, the Arco rock masters and several other noteworthy competitions across Germany. “Competition is a different world” says Pidgeon, who’s competitive fire is far from burning out, “I will rewire my mind and every single cell in my body to fight for each and every hold until it’s either in my grasp or my blood lays on the floor.” Personally, Thomasina inspired me. Her fierce commitment to compete in international competitions is something that more Canadian women should adopt!
Semi finals, photo:thecircuitclimbingmedia
Jason Holowach makes a striking impression when he walks away with the National Champion title at Canadian Boulder Nationals in March, 2014. However, I think Holowach’s more proud moment was when he attended his first ever World Championship competition in Munich, Germany and competed against 106 open competitors. Being one of the spectators myself, my jaw litteraly dropped when Holowach qualified for semi finals in 5th place. 5th place people!!! This put him into semi finals ahead of some big names, such as Adam Ondra and Guillaume Glairon Mondet! Little Jay’ is definitely someone to watch out for in 2015!
The medalists, Pan Am's Photo: Jennie Jariel
The Canadian Youth team dominates at the Pan American Youth Championships in Mexico City, November 2014, winning gold in three disciplines and making the podium in several age categories. Robert Stewart Patterson placed 1st in speed, Lucas Uchida took the gold in bouldering and Elan JonasMcrae won in lead! Some of the other names on the podium are Alyssa Weber, 3rd place lead and Catherine Carkner 3rd place boulder. If these kids keep it up, we are sure to see some big names as they break into the World Cup scene.
Josh on First Flight, Photo: Read Macadam
Regan Kennedy knocks down her V10 project over the Christmas holidays where she spent some weeks cranking in Bishop and Red Rocks. The steep and crimpy terrain of Scare Tactics only took Regan three days to piece together. “I assumed the first move would taunt me for days, but I did it in a few tries!” says Regan who has happily ticked off her 3rd V10 from her expanding ticklist.
Her sweetie Josh Muller, as expected, has also made some impressive gains in 2014. He took down the first ascent of First Flight, 5.14c in Acephale after having to reinvent beta because he ripped a hold from the crux sequence
Regan Kennedy on Scare Tactics
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I’m playing peek-a-boo with myself and hide and seek with the rest of the world. Now you see me, now you don’t. Since I left Calgary 8 months ago my life has ricocheted between structure and spontaneity more than you could imagine. I should have known not to get too comfortable...for six months I found security working as a kindermädchen for three beautiful children. Wolf and I were pulling our lives together and I had fully integrated into the Viennese climbing community. I was finally feeling at home. Then boom! The bomb exploded. Austria declared war on the pleasant life I had created and despite my every attempt to find a loophole or buy myself some more time.... I had to retreat.
But if you know me... you know that I always have a backup plan. So alas, with my working contract still pending approval by the local aliens office in Munich, I have time to kill. As I sift through flight dates and question whether or not I belong anywhere at the moment...I find solace here. Inside my little game of hide and seek...and I’m not sure I’m coming out until I’ve found what I’m looking for...
I love that song “Home is wherever I’m with you”. It speaks to me on such a personal level, because the more I live my life, the more I realize that home isn’t a house or a city, it’s a concept. Especially when you are a foreigner. Home becomes the place where you try to get your S*** together and right now my ‘home’ is in ruins. This little club called ‘residency’ gave me the boot and though I’m happy to turn over a new leaf in Munich, the transition seems impossible at the moment. So going ‘home’ means facing some things that are beyond my control. Things that, if gone awry, I am not quite ready to handle in my hypersensitive state of mind. No papers = no work, no purpose, no future and worst of all...no Wolf.
So that’s part of the reason that I’m here... tackling smaller and more manageable tasks. Getting my S**** together on the tiny Greek island of Kalymnos and knocking through some barriers and brick walls that are more fictional than factual, contrary to the constrains of the Austrian government....That’s right, I’m talking about climbing ;)
My coach, my student, my partner in crushing!
It might seem silly to you, who is reading this. But for me, climbing is the one area in my life that I have control over right now. It’s my only way to crawl out from this world that seems to be falling around me. At least with climbing, I’m the one who is responsible for failing. Unlike Vienna, where all my ambitions, offers and attempts were extinguished by some stupid bureaucratic decisions. They squashed me like I smoosh those pesky mosquitoes every night before bed. So right now my climbing is raw. It is black and white without any blurred lines or borders. It’s real and it is honest. I’m treating every route like an emotional punching bag... an outlet of all my anger, frustrations and unease. It’s a very productive form of therapy actually and I am learning so much about pushing myself. Some of the walls I’ve been pushing against have shattered. Other’s still exist but they are invisible and I can walk through them if I choose to. This makes me wonder whether these barriers and brick walls really exist or if they are simply artificial mental constructs. Here’s what I’ve discovered. I’m capable of doing anything I want.
Yeah I’m scared! Correction, I am terrified. I skipped the last clip, I’m chicken winging with jackhammer leg threatening to launch me backwards into 10 meters of air time. I knew I would be scared when I got there. But I went up there anyways...besides there was no time and no possibility to clip with the exploding pressure welling in my forearms. So when I got there... I just had to flat out deal with it. Fear. The most impenetrable barrier in my climbing to date.
Digging my nails into two sharp crimps, not strong enough to rock over to the finish slot and too stubborn and scared to fall... I start battling with the clip by my ankles. Praying it will go in. 3 times, I fumble the clip and desperately cling back to the wall. I don’t want to die today. (You have to understand that I literally think I am going to die every time I could take a potential whipper). Then I said a bad word. Actually I screamed it so loud that all my fear echoed throughout the entire island. In all seriousness, I wonder if anxiety induced tourette's syndrome is a thing? Cuz' I definitely have it.
All smiles, Jelisa Dunbar
In the midst of my struggle, I heard people laughing at my shrieks. Now that I think about it, it was probably hysterical to watch. I wasn’t fighting for a move or anything, I was just stuck in stale mate before the chains screaming like a mental patient. Like I might die. I’m not sure I’ve ever fought this hard for something in my life.
4th time the clip went in and I, by some miracle, completed the rock over to the slot... still screaming out in horror. When I said take it was like I was on drugs. I don’t think I managed my fear effectively but the point is I faced it and looked it straight in the eyes and then climbed on top of its head. It was the most lifting and freeing feeling. I still wasn’t in control of my fear but for once we were co-existing together instead of it eating me alive. Squashing me like a bug.
So it turns out that my biggest hurdle is one of my biggest motivators. Think about it! What if you could turn your hurdles around and feed off them too!? Maybe the barriers that hold you back are invisible? You can choose to walk through them and sit on the other side if you’re willing to get your feet wet. It’s new territory, but it is real. It is honesty. It is black and white.
So enough hiding...
Come out come out wherever you are!
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I want to talk more about confidence. The physchophysiological differences that I have noticed in my climbing when I truly ‘believe’ in myself... it’s funny, because I’ve always been told by my coaches not to do these things... yet for the first time I’m understanding how to not do these things. I don’t necessarily avoid these things by focusing on executing the opposite action, but it simply happens when I attain the right headspace and everything falls into place. When I am confident and when I believe in my capabilities, I can step onto a route and without a doubt in my mind, know that I can send it...right here and now. So what are these things that you shouldn’t do? Read on my friends, they are listed at the end!
It was an interesting competition I’d say... I walked into the Edelweiß center about 4 hours late. The front desk staff was organizing score cards, children were running around in the hof and the buffet table had been plucked of it’s finest offerings. A results list hung on the wall beside the staircase. Most of the winners had already been awarded their prizes and gone for some time. But silly foreign me...I was just arriving.
You have to know that misinterpreting information on this side of the world sets me off more than most things. I’m sure that, if in Canada, I had misjudged the start time of a competition or mixed up the dates of some event, I’d be frustrated of course...but I wouldn’t let the mistake consume me. Here... I’ve been conditioned to associate all of my mistakes and misunderstandings as part of this wrath that plagues foreigners. The constant states of confusion... the broken instructions without opportunity for questions, the friendly jokes that can’t possibly be funny after the amount of time it takes to translate, analyze and comprehend them. So things like this.... like missing a competition.....really....set....me...off. I had to fight back tears.
TDB Finals, Calgary Climbing Center. Photo: Ben Haley
I had won this same competition last year. First place had granted me one years membership to the Edelweiß Center, which hosts the best 45 degree wall in Vienna and a weights room equipped to the nines. In my current financial situation, facing deportation while I officially ‘tour’ Austria, (since the expiration of my work permit in September) I was sort of depending on winning this competition to facilitate my training. It aint always easy as a struggling international competitor!
Competitions are one of the few things I can do here to blend in. After the technical meeting in gibberish, I canjust climb. I can shrug off everything that weighs be down and literally climb out of my sorrows. weightless and free. I am in control over which problems I try and how I choose to use my attempts. I can understand the language of movement fluently instead of grasping at the threads of this german dialect that everyone keeps jabbering. I don’t know how to explain it really... other than competitions are my happy place. My sanctuary. And I had just missed one.
Correction: I had COMPLETELY missed it.
So these were my choices:
1. Turn around, go home, get hammered and hate myself
2. Strength train as planned in my training schedule
3. ..... Compete?
Compete eh... I thought to myself for some time, standing like a scarecrow in the lobby. “Kann ich bitte eine Karte haben?” ( Can I please a card have?) I say to the front desk staff.
A man gives me this strange look as he tells me that the competition has finished. ( When you don’t speak the language, you get really good at ‘assuming’ people say things depending on the context or situation.... I’ve discovered that when I try to anticipate someones response.. I can pick out words from their actual response that either confirm or contradict what I have predicted.).
“Ja, Ich weiss, aber ich möchte trotzdem meine bouldern zu recorderen bitte” ( Yeah, I know, but I would like despite the fact my boulders to record please)
Another strange look was shot my way, but this time with a scorecard and a pen.
I sauntered downstairs and slowly changed into my climbing gear. Soon I stood alone .In an empty gym with rubber smeared boulder problems that had already been crushed. I tried to muster up the ‘try hard’ motivation that only a competition can foster. It didn’t really work at first, I was still very upset about how the entire day had commenced. The worst part is that from noon till 4, I was in my bed relaxing watching episodes of Seinfeld and playing guitar... missing everything. I couldn’t stop beating myself up about this!
Flashed: MOVE WITH CONFIDENCE
I pouted for a bit while I warmed up on problems 1 - 10. Then it occurred to me that instead of being a cry baby about this whole situation and feeling sorry for myself, I could actually use this to my advantage. I was in one of the worst possible mental states I have ever been in. period. What better time to practice headspace than now? Since I couldn’t battle fellow #girlswhocrush, I decided to face my real competition... my demons! Those pesky voices of self doubt that chatter in my head on every testing move. The part of me that deems a problem ‘too hard‘ before I even put forth my best effort... the demons.... Well, here are the results from the competition:
Jelisa 1, Demons 0
In my previous blog post I talked a lot about my beef with self confidence and why confidence is so crucial to success in the sport of climbing... or in any sport for that matter. I’d like to share the differences that I noticed in my climbing on the attempts where I mastered a cool and confident headspace. Of course I didn’t succeed on every attempt...but I’m still toying around with this whole psychology thing!
Alas! Here are the things that your coach tells you not to do. Confidence is the key in avoiding such hindrances:
The Hive, 2014 TDB Finals
1)Don’t hesitate:
Hesitating on committing or complex moves is a very common problem for many climbers. Personally, hesitation is my kryptonite. You’ve probably seen me on dynos pumping 10 times before blast off. Hesitation wastes time and energy all the while feeding self doubt. Sometimes, even when you practice a move over and over again and continually stick it, you can still worry about it! Say if that move is the crux move in the middle of your project! There are so many scenarios where hesitation weasels it’s way into our movement... it’s important to stomp it out before it escalates! I’ve found, that I can avoid hesitation completely when I a) trust in my sequence, and b) expect that I am able to execute my sequence
2)Don’t give up:
When you are going for it and I mean really going for it...you don’t go anywhere but up. Even if you fall. You are going to fall upwards so long as you are putting forth your best effort. If you are truly confident in your abilities as a climber and not only believe that you will top a route/boulder problem, but expect yourself to top it. Up is the only direction. It’s the only possibility. Unless it’s a traverse ;)
One thing I noticed on the attempts that I was giving it my all was how genuinely surprised I was when I fell. Not once did I ever anticipate that I might fall. Out of no where I would just blow off the line and land on my ass without warning. It was shocking... and it made me realize how much more often I should be experiencing this feeling.
3)Don’t over think it!
This is about attaining a state of flow. When your mind is quiet and you can trust in your body to take over. Once I have my sequence dialed I can sometimes get into this headspace... where I know what I am doing but I don’t have to think about it. I focus on my breathing and I feel like I am floating. Not really sure how to tap into this one yet, but it’s possibly a product of #1 & 2
Me so selfie.
Thanks for reading! If you like what you hear #followme on my Facebook page! Jelisa Dunbar
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